Keeping Cadence with God in February has been a journey of dashed hope and desperate faith.
Early in the month I knew something was different. All the scheduling and routine I had built into my life in January… I felt my spirit caution against it in February.
It was frustrating. I didn’t understand. I felt like I was moving forward with the schedule and routine, why shouldn’t I continue it?
There was no answer. Just a perpetual feeling in my spirit that I needed to rest.
So I trusted The Spirit. I put away my bullet journal for the month and turned my focus toward rest. I started taking better care of myself. I made sure I ate throughout the day. I drank lots of water. I allowed myself to doze off on the couch when I felt tired.
I admit it felt a lot like I was moving backwards, but there was such peace in it that I allowed myself to embrace the rest and self-care I felt I was being called to.
My pastor gave a sermon from 1 Kings 19. Elijah was in the desert, waiting to die under a tree, when an angel came to him and told him to eat. He ate and drank and went back to sleep. The angel came to him again, and again, Elijah ate and drank. The angel told him he was on a journey and that he wouldn’t make it if he didn’t eat and drink as commanded. The sermon stuck with me. I understood that I too was on a journey. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew that I needed to take care of myself.
God is Faithful
On February 16th I went in for what was supposed to be a routine ultrasound. I should have been 9 weeks pregnant, instead the baby measured at only 6 weeks. The doctor thought there might be a chance that I was wrong about my dates and scheduled a follow up ultrasound for 2 weeks later. That appointment is first thing tomorrow morning.
This has been the L-O-N-G-E-S-T two weeks of my life.
I have been an emotional wreak for the last two weeks. I am certain that I’m not wrong about when I got pregnant- at least not 3 weeks wrong- and yet I can’t help but still hope that somehow, someway…
I am not alone. God was preparing me for this, guiding me through it before I even knew something was happening. My body is well nourished, well hydrated, and well rested. I am physically prepared for this journey. God has given me the gift of His peace and His presence. I know He is with me. I know He has a plan.
February has not been a perfect waltz. I have been clumsy and God has had to carry me through most of the steps. This month has been a freestyle dance and I am a partner without grace or skill. And yet, somehow God has made this dance beautiful.
Heartbreakingly, gut-wrenchingly, devastatingly beautiful.
My family and I appreciate your prayers for peace and comfort, thank you.
Cadence is my One Word for 2015. This post is part of a series, Keeping Cadence with God. You can read the introduction post here.